A letter to my past self

I would like to say thank you for fighting our battles before.

May 22, 2024

Hello grade schooler Ivy,

I know you don’t have many childhood experiences. Even now, there are still a lot of people we meet who tell us that we don’t know how to ride a bike or swim because we didn't have a proper childhood or our parents kept us indoors. But they don’t know the truth. You didn’t have time for those things. You have been taking care of our dear brother since you were 9 years old. Thank you for doing that. Thank you for helping our mother and prioritising household chores over play. I’m sorry you had to experience that, but trust me, it’s all worth it. I know you’ve been crying because you want to play like the other kids at school. And it’s a good thing you always sleep in your class every afternoon, because now we only get 6-8 hours of sleep a day.

Thank you, little me, for learning how to do laundry and cook so early. When the pandemic hit in 2020, I didn’t have any trouble doing those things again. I also want you to know that I figured out why you’re not as good at things compared to your classmates. It’s not because you are lousy or weak. It’s because you are younger than any of your classmates. You’re not dumb at multiplication and division. You are actually good at math during your junior and senior years.

Thank you, little me, for learning how to do laundry and cook so early. When the pandemic hit in 2020, I didn’t have any trouble doing those things again.

My dear teenage Ivy,

Thinking about you now feels like remembering a different person. You were rebellious, mean, and often hateful. You made our mother cry and even thought about leaving home, prioritising your friends and considering them the most important people in your life. Despite all this, I understand you. You were trying to convince our friends that we had a cool life, but we both know that was a lie. You couldn't tell your friends that you were sometimes absent because you had to take care of our brother. You tried to budget your 20-peso allowance and befriended rich classmates for freebies.

Thinking about you now feels like remembering a different person. You were rebellious, mean, and often hateful.

This was the beginning of our silent battle. I remember how hard you studied to make it to the top 10 list, hoping our parents would personally collect your report card, but they didn’t. You even tried being delinquent at school, getting involved in issues and visiting the principal's office multiple times, hoping our parents would be summoned. But again, they didn’t come. You were hungry for approval and attention. There are many things I could write about you, but imagining you reading this, you might curse and tear it up.

I just want to say thank you for experiencing all of that. You were the brave one. Thank you for saving your allowance just to join that one and only school field trip. It was an eye-opener for me and the reason I love travelling, experiencing other cultures, and embracing life. Do you remember coming back from that field trip and talking about your experiences in the city? Our brothers were really happy that day, listening to your stories and bragging about city life. You were a delinquent, but it’s okay. You’re a hero, not just for us but for others too.

Your era was the most important for us. It was when you started to dream real dreams, not those grade school dreams of becoming a teacher, but possible ones. It was the beginning of your self-talk and working for money. You cursed love and romance during those years. Because of that ideology, I had my first boyfriend at the age of 23. How about that? You're a funny little girl, and I like you. Thank you again.

You were a delinquent, but it’s okay. You’re a hero, not just for us but for others too.

My out-of-school youth Ivy,

Your year at home was not a waste. We both know that the reason our parents didn’t send us to college wasn’t because we were immature or useless. It was because our family was broke and couldn’t afford it. It’s funny that you thought you would finish college at 18, hahaha. Thinking about it now, that was the most precious year of my life. You saw our family’s situation clearly. You enjoyed spending time with our brother every day. You even took our sister to grade school and sold random stuff there. You created a bond with our brother, and he became your best friend. You slept beside him and were the only person he didn’t mind being around when he had poop. You took care of him for a year, even though you were afraid of blood. Your heart seemed to stop whenever you saw it. Thank you for those moments and the bond we had with our brother.

You were a delinquent, but it’s okay. You’re a hero, not just for us but for others too.

Then you realized there was no chance you would go to college unless you took action. You asked our father to support you, saying, “Just support me with a boarding house and food (like every parent does), and I will take care of the rest, including school fees.” Thank you for taking the initiative.

My college Ivy,

You are the bravest of all my eras—independent, hardworking, and smart (and the prettiest, hahaha). I always look up to you, even now. Whenever I face a problem, I think of you because you are brave and always overcome everything. You juggled work and studies, sometimes sleeping in your uniform because you were so exhausted. You didn’t have time for other people’s drama because you had a goal. You were logical and always found solutions. You prepared us for the future, creating a manual for it. You seemed to predict my life now because you laid the groundwork. You suffered to give me the life I have today.

Someone once told you that your problems were small compared to those of people in their 30s. Trust me, I have an easier life now compared to what you went through. People didn’t know what you sacrificed back then. You couldn’t go home because our sister was depressed and might become depressed again if she knew you were in school and she wasn’t. You missed your family so much.

You didn’t have time for other people’s drama because you had a goal. You were logical and always found solutions. You prepared us for the future, creating a manual for it. You seemed to predict my life now because you laid the groundwork. You suffered to give me the life I have today.

Your allowance wasn’t enough, and you weren’t the type to ask for money from our parents. How did you budget 50 pesos per day for three meals plus school fees like books and manuals? You’re amazing in every aspect. You even managed to have time and money for “school outings” (which we both know were more like friends' outings).

You were tough. You didn’t have many friends in your class because you were a working scholar, and regular students didn’t like working students. Your classmates bullied you, calling you a “teacher’s pet,” and you were often alone in group activities. You didn’t have a seatmate in your computer class because nobody wanted to sit with you. I still have those paper sheets with “Ivy bagag nawong!!!” written on them to remind me that people saw you differently, but that didn’t stop you because you saw yourself as better. At work, your co-working students avoided you because your responsibilities included computing their allowances and checking their attendance and performance. So, you weren’t popular in either place, hahaha. But through that, you gained real friends, the ones who chose you no matter who you were. I promise to cherish those friends forever.

I can’t thank you enough for catching those bullets for me, for suffering to give me a comfortable life now. Thank you, and you will forever be my hero. <3.

A special letter to my 22-year-old Ivy,

Thank you for being kind, and I’m sorry for your loss. I know it felt like you gave up on your dreams after our brother passed away. You lost a best friend and a goal to become rich, thinking that one day you’d rent a van to take him on a city tour, as you always talked about. I’m sorry you had to go through all this on your own. I’m sorry you lost weight because you couldn’t eat and cried every night with regrets that you didn’t spend more time with him. You are human, and it’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to grieve. I know you couldn’t talk about it because nobody truly understood. People often sympathize with those who lose parents, children, or partners, but rarely with those who lose a sibling. That’s okay. I will use this sad experience to tell my children how amazing our brother was, so they will understand us and know him.

Again, thank you, past self, for all the experiences in my life. I’m forever grateful. There are still some things from our past I can’t talk about, and I wish I had fought more or done better. I just want you to know that today, we did it. We accomplished some of our goals. It’s not perfect yet, but we are more than halfway there. I promise to work hard so that my future self will also be thankful for her 30s era..

By the way, I’m 34 now. I still love to travel and have high-paying jobs. We have a loan that almost equals my salary, but that’s okay because I can work at my own pace and on my own time. I love myself and my life today because of all you’ve done. Thank you, and I will continue to grind for our future, Ivy.

Love,

Ivy Togonon - Ortiz